Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way…
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
Management won’t answer questions
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
- A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
- Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
- Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
- He’s so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
- Of he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
- Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.