Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way…

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:

Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:

You whine, you’re fired.

CAREER-MINDED:

We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:

Management won’t answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:

We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:

We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:

If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

  • I would not allow this employee to breed.
  • This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
  • A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  • Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  • Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
  • He’s so dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
  • Of he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
  • One neuron short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
  • Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.